A crazy few weeks…
June 24, 2009
This blog is a peculiar thing… I’m never quite sure where the line is between “useful information” and “too much information.” Regardless, I wanted to write a post about our current situation, partially because I know a lot of the people who care for us want to know, and also because I think I learned something worth passing on. I tend to be wordy, so for those on a time limit, here’s the short version: I made a mistake.
So, here’s the long version:
Right after we knew we were going to leave our staff positions at Suncrest, Patti and I started following leads for other ministry opportunities. Fairly soon I found a posting online for a worship/arts pastorate in San Francisco, in a new church… the kind of role that is traditionally right up my alley. I sent my information their way, and the lead pastor and I talked a bit here and there in the busy Easter season.
Making sure a church is the right fit is very important to me, so I prayed, had people pray for me, sought council from folks in the Bay Area, and most of all tried to follow Patti’s lead about how she felt about it all. Long story short, we thought we did our research. The church offered us the job (before ever meeting us in person), but we went out to visit anyway to be sure. Again, everything seemed like green lights, so at the end of that weekend we agreed to come on board and I took the job. We came home, hurriedly made arrangements and packed, and made the 4-day drive out there with our car, truck, trailer, baby, three bunnies, and my dad (who, thankfully, helped us move out there).
Then… the first day came, and I knew… I knew before lunch time… that I had made a huge mistake. Myself and the lead pastor were simply not a good fit, personality-wise. We didn’t disagree or have it out or anything; I just knew that it was not going to be a long term match-up, and was spotting warning signs I didn’t see before coming on board.
Now, a couple notes here, because, hey, a lot of people aren’t a perfect fit with their bosses (is it even possible) and they don’t quit! The first is that in a church environment, especially in a newer church, the relationship between the lead/teaching pastor and the worship pastor is key… if it is not a good relationship, the worship experience will never be what it should be. The other note is that, quite frankly, I am very particular about who I work with. It is not that I have high standards but that I just have peculiar standards about what I am looking for in a lead pastor compared to a lot of my friends in ministry. Some types of leadership bring out the best in me while some don’t… it is different for everyone, especially artsy types, and knowing the styles of leadership that I need to avoid has been a huge boon to my life in professional ministry… even though it was a hard, long time before I understood. To say it simply, I knew the leadership styles at this church would not resonate with my passions and convictions.
To break up this big block of text, here’s a pic of my family at the beach, about a five minute walk from where I lived (for a week!):
So, I was left with some hard decisions… the first was whether to leave the church or stay and stick it out. I LOVED San Francisco, and the church truly was awesome… some very cool folks, especially the artists, who I thought rocked musically and I think we would have connected with very well personally. The church (who I have tried to remove all reference to, as the last thing a person needs in a google search of the church’s name is to read through all my baggage!) is doing some very cool stuff in the city. But on the other hand, if it was not going to be a long-term thing, why build a bunch of relationships just to break them in a few months? (The role had a built-in three month “trial” period to it, and I knew I would be exiting then one way or the other.)
I had to act fast, as the following week I would be co-leading with the previous worship pastor who was transitioning out and I would have been on the radar of the church on the whole at that point, so Sunday afternoon we did lunch with the pastor and let him know we were leaving. Hardest. Conversation. Ever. I know I sprung it on him, and on a Sunday afternoon, too– when pastors are already emotionally spent. It was lame, and I felt bad, but the time frame did not allow many options. I had been on staff one week, never took a salary, and left. The shortest job I have ever had (and I have had some very short jobs!). The pastor, of course, was not happy, but I think he understood, and was gracious to us.
With that done, the next hard decision was “what now?” We were in a very cool city, but also a very expensive one, with no income and a ten month old. It was hard to leave it behind… the ocean, the neighbors we felt we were starting to connect with, the diversity… but the choice was clear, that we needed to be somewhere we could regroup and make sense of things.
So, back to Indiana we went, Patti and Evie by plane and myself and my Dad by car (yes, in a matter of two weeks he moved us across the country twice, making him the saintliest person I have ever known). For now we’re back with family, and I’m looking for a job to pay the bills as we wait for understanding of what is next.
To be totally transparent, I very much feel like we made the right decision (well, not to take the job, but to leave it and come back), but I still wrestle with guilt. I feel bad for the lead pastor, who had anticipated my involvement there. I feel bad for my predecessor in the worship role there, who had invested a lot of time and effort to get me primed for the position. I feel bad for our old friends in California, as we briefly stepped back into their lives and then disappeared again. I feel bad for my family (on both Patti and I’s sides) who made some significant sacrifices to get us there and back. But to wrap all this up, here are a few things I learned:
1. A lack of obstacles does not mean “go”.
We kept looking for things to keep us from going, and didn’t see any, so we thought that meant we should make the move– we should have realized how hard we were looking for excuses not to go, as I don’t think we ever felt that deep conviction that it was the right thing, that that particular church community was right for us. And sometimes, a lack of obstacles just means I’m not looking hard enough.
2. Positive experiences don’t always mean “go.”
Can I be totally honest? I love Northern California–Patti and I still look back at our two year stint there as the best time of our lives. The chance to go back there? Definitely a plus. And being wanted by a church, hired early in my job search? Also a plus. But we let these things charm us into making a decision before we were sure.
3. I need to seriously re-evaluate my role in ministry.
Two years ago, a full-time worship pastorate in San Francisco would have been my dream job, regardless of staff relationships or finances or anything else. But I am looking for something different now, some different aspect to how I work for the Kingdom, that I am not sure can be found in a worship ministry role as I currently understand it. Maybe I am wrong, but there is a distinct conviction growing in my heart–that has been growing for a while–that maybe the best thing I can do to lead people in worship is to put down the guitar and the microphone. I probably shouldn’t mention it, as I am still seeking God’s help in figuring it out, but if nothing else I need to reconcile some things before taking on a worship/arts role again.
So, what all this means for us, and this blog, I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ve over-explained… just wanted to let our friends and family who support us know what happened, and that we’re doing well–tired from the experience, but encouraged and looking forward what God has in store for us next… and we are confident that it is something, very, very good… as always!
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